Women are hiding their boyfriends online and there’s more than one reason why

11 hours ago

Kerena Cobbina

Tawana Musvaburi

There are often signs her partner exists - like his hand in the corner of this photo - but Tawana never posts her boyfriend’s face on her socials

Tawana Musvaburi’s 33,000 Instagram followers may feel like they know all about her life - but most don’t know what her partner looks like.

There might be subtle signs she has a boyfriend, like the back of a head, or two clinking wine glasses at dinner, but the 24-year-old says she has no intention of posting his face.

“I’m just girl-coded,” Tawana says. “As a woman, you want to come across strong, like, ‘I’ve got my stuff together’.”

The influencer has curated a brand that doesn’t include a boyfriend.

“You don’t want any part to feel like it’s been helped by a man. It brings me more pleasure to say, ‘I did this myself’.”

And her stance isn’t changing any time soon - even if she and her boyfriend take things to the next stage she says, “a ring’s still not enough for me to post my relationship”.

Tawana Musvaburi

Tawana works full-time as an influencer

That Vogue article

Tawana is one of many women reluctant to hard-launch their relationship online and social media users are picking up on it.

So much so that last month, British Vogue published an article titled Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?, which inspired TikTok and Instagram posts asking the same question.

In the viral article, writer Chante Joseph suggests there has been a shift in how heterosexual women present their relationships online, writing that women want to reap the “social benefits” of having a partner, without appearing “boyfriend-obsessed”.

Posting your partner frequently can come across as “cringe” and “culturally loser-ish”, Joseph writes.

On a more serious note, she says having a boyfriend is no longer “considered an achievement”, and isn’t seen to make you any more - or less - of a woman in the way it might once have done.

She believes women are hesitating to post their partners because of the “patriarchy we live under, and how oppressive it is to women”.

“A lot of women have been saying, it’s cool to have a fiance. It’s cool to have a husband,” Joseph told BBC Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour on Wednesday.

“It’s not. We need to re-evaluate our relationship with men in this political climate.”

‘1,000 people unfollowed me’

Stephanie Yeboah

Yeboah received a “plethora of DMs” when she first posted her boyfriend

Stephanie Yeboah, a content creator and author from South London, told British Vogue she regretted posting her boyfriend on Instagram.

She tells BBC News she received a “plethora of DMs” from people telling her they’d unfollowed her because they could no longer relate to her content once she had a boyfriend.

“That day I think about 1,000 people unfollowed me,” Yeboah recalls.

But she says she understands why people can find boyfriend-related content too much.

“A lot of relationship content is corny - I think people kind of just cringe now when they see it.”

Dr Gillian Brooks

Dr Brooks says influencers sell a “distinct aesthetic” to their audiences

For people who make money from social media, not posting a new partner may be a question of consistency, says Dr Gillian Brooks, associate professor of influencer and social media marketing at King’s College London.

“They’re selling a distinct aesthetic, a distinct taste,” Dr Brooks explains. “They’re catering to a very devoted and distinct audience, so if they go off brand they confuse their audience base, and people will just leave them.”

‘I don’t want to come across as reliant’

But it’s not just influencers who don’t want to post their boyfriends.

Milly is engaged to her partner of nearly five years, but the 25-year-old says she is hesitant to post her fiance on social media.

“I don’t want to come across as reliant on my partner, or that our relationship is my entire personality,” she explains.

“Social media creates a very narrow image of a person,” she adds. “When it’s just pictures and stories of me and my partner, it creates an image of a little bit of obsession.”

‘Relationships should be more private’

Charlotte has been with her partner for two years. The 20-year-old says she chooses to not post her boyfriend on social media for a few reasons.

On an aesthetic level, she says they don’t have many pictures together she would “consider Instagrammable”.

But beyond this, she believes a relationship should be “more private than friendship”.

She continues: “I also feel like if I posted [my relationship], it would be to say, ‘Look at me and my perfect relationship’, which, unfortunately, isn’t the case.”

Athera, not her real name, also prefers privacy. The 21-year-old says a lot of her friends are the same and reference the “evil eye” as a reason for not posting their partners.

“Evil eye” is a supernatural belief in a curse transmitted through a malicious glare, usually one inspired by envy.

“I wouldn’t post him to prevent someone accidentally putting their jealousy, even if it’s unintentional and subconscious, as evil eye onto my relationship,” says Athera.

Anxiety behind posting

Dr Gillian Brooks

Dr Seidman says people are realising social media is “eternal”

Dr Gwendolyn Seidman, a social psychologist at Michigan State University, studies how people communicate online - with a particular focus on romantic relationships.

Sharing such a personal part of your life online can sometimes come with anxiety - something Seidman believes is down to a fear of online permanency.

“People are not posting as much stuff online [now],” Dr Seidman observes, “and part of it is that people sort of realise that this stuff is eternal.

“You can’t really get rid of it and so you want to be a little bit more careful.”

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