Please Consider My Mom Kathy for the Next Golden Bachelorette

Kathy is a soon-to-be-retired small animal veterinarian in the greater Des Moines area. She was once reviewed as a top veterinarian for rats on a local rat forum. In her office, she has a preserved dog heart suspended in fluid filled with heartworm. She once gave this heart to her nephew, my cousin, for keeps, but her sister…

Kathy is nothing if not entirely secure and confident in who she is, which I think would make her the ideal Golden Bachelorette. Recently, at a friend’s wedding, my mom drank a large amount of wine provided by a random older gentleman. When we pointed out to her that if she were to start dating again, she would have an easy time finding older men, she said, “Yes, Emily, I know.”

My mom will be bringing her dog(s), and you can’t stop her, so it’s not worth asking. She repeatedly brings her dog(s) to my house in New York state despite my asking her not to because my husband is allergic. This means driving unwanted dogs across multiple state lines only to be refused entry upon my doorstep. She does not totally believe being allergic to dogs is a real thing, so it’s very important that all candidates are not allergic to dogs. Actually, wait, on further reflection, it doesn’t really matter because she will ignore it even if they are.

Kathy will not wear a gown or heels, so please tell all male candidates to wear athleisure, sweatpants, or last year’s matching Christmas pajamas (seasonal). She will be wearing leggings with a dog-themed pattern and a hooded sweatshirt from vacation, probably with a puffer vest. She recently sent me a picture of her gardening while wearing a pair of gym shorts I had in high school. I am currently thirty-three years old. She will only wear practical shoes and, if in a dress, will wear Birkenstocks.

My mom’s dream date is watching the NBC nightly news while eating peanut M&Ms on her couch, which I think will play well on national television. In her living room, she has one couch for people and one couch for the dogs, which she calls the “dog couch.” The couch for people was inherited from their friend Clark, who died suddenly. I found out about Clark’s death via a text photo from my mother about their “new couch.” This new couch seats only two people and one dog, provided they leave the dog on the couch. So, for the inevitable hometown episode, when visiting my mother, you will either have to sit on the dog couch or, like my husband, who is allergic to dogs, bring a kitchen chair in from the other room and be vaguely uncomfortable for whatever length of time you are watching TV.

It is important to note my mom’s taste in men. My mother once said that if she could marry any celebrity, she would pick Ed Begley Jr. So, please include as many men who look like Ed Begley Jr as you can find. Kathy would prefer a man who drives a hybrid and takes public transit, much like Ed Begley Jr. She also has a crush on her mechanic.

What else to say about my mother, our future Golden Bachelorette? There are many, many qualities that make my mother a perfect candidate for The Golden Bachelorette.

She is a good sport.
She loves to play Kick the Can.
She once ate Easter candy that was over six months old.
She has been known to eat a microwaved unseasoned beet for lunch at work.
She has run a half-marathon.
She can take a joke.
She is good at giving Christmas presents.
She once cried very, very hard at a documentary I showed her about walruses.

An adventurous spirit is also required, as her husband of forty-plus years hates traveling and trying new things. Several months ago, my mom became convinced she was going to move from rural Iowa to Uruguay because they have a “more stable democracy.” Interest in Uruguay is obviously a plus.

That brings me to an important note: Kathy is not currently single. My dad is alive, and they are not divorced. This is irrelevant to the fact that I think she would be an ideal choice for The Golden Bachelorette.

On her first date with my dad, my parents walked on the beach in Northern California, and my mom picked up a mollusk and showed my father the anus of said mollusk. As I said, Kathy is confident. I appreciate your time and consideration of this special woman.

Please help support our writers and keep our site ad-free by becoming a patron.