Pop Song Math Quiz

Answer all questions in the form of a song title.

1. The Rob Base Postulate

Given that a number greater than 1(x) is required to make a thing go right, and that the exact equal number (y) is necessary to make it out of sight (x = y), what is the minimum whole number required to achieve both outcomes?

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Answer all questions in the form of a song title.

1. The Rob Base Postulate

2. Three Dog Night’s Loneliness Proof

Let L = loneliness, and let X = maximum L, which is bad.

If, theoretically, another number (2) can be as bad as X , and there are no whole numbers since X that are more L, complete the statement: “X = ___”

3. Paul Simon’s Missing Elements Theorem

Let N = the number of ways to leave your lover.

Four examples of N are given:

Slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
Hop on the bus, Gus
Drop off the key, Lee

Given that Roy need not be coy and is also encouraged to achieve emancipation (though no exact method is offered for his departure), and that a total of 10x the provided number of lovers (including Roy) must exist, write a statement that describes the total number of departure methods there must be.

4. Tommy Tutone’s Numeral Identity Paradox

Let N = digits found on a wall.

Also, let J = the most common girl’s name of the 1980s, someone you can turn to, and who can likewise give you something to hold on to.

ASSUME: N + J = a good time, and you are desperate enough to be combing bathroom walls for companionship.

Solve for N (provided J has not yet changed the number).

5. Spin Doctors’ Decision Dilemma

Let P₁ = a male royal who adores you.

Let P₂ = a male royal who adores you and also loves you, but has no future or family.

Additional assumptions:

P₁ has diamonds in his pocket and some “bread.”

P₂ will allow you to call him baby, tell him maybe, buy you flowers, and talk for hours.

Describe what you find kneeling before you.

6. Don McLean’s Lost Innocence Problem

If 3.14 = a uniquely US-centric and poignant elegy for idealized but lost innocence, even further diluted by whiskey-drunk, piano-bar bellowing, and off-key rye-induced campfire reimagining, what expression best describes the profound disappointment of driving your Detroit steel to an embankment, only to find it desiccated and haunted by the ghost of your heroes who died too soon?

7. The Convergent Genre Unified Theorem of Identity

Draw a Venn diagram representing the overlap of unity, PTSD, and solitude as expressed by Bono, James Hetfield, and the lead singer of a band (hint: see problem #2) whose name nobody knows.

8. Jay-Z’s Limited Problem Set

Let x = the set including Jay’s total number of possible tribulations (maximum = 100).

GIVEN: One of the set ≠ “a bitch.” How many other potential quandaries might Jay-Z face?

9. The Clovers’ Sexual Chemistry Corollary

A set of aphrodisiacs is numbered sequentially with the constraint that a successful tonic must occur before the even, natural, composite number that is the base of the decimal system. Assume that oysters, rhino-horn gas station pills, green M&Ms, pheromone cologne, Blue Chew laced martinis, Marvin Gaye records, and lying about your bank account have all proven unsuccessful. Create a generic name for the final viable integer that must prove successful.

10. The Beatles’ Temporal Conjecture of Counterfactual Reasoning

GIVEN: One week contains exactly seven days.

ALSO GIVEN: Love is needed and can be provided for more than seven days a week.

ASSUME: One distrusts established conventions, rejects the Gregorian calendar, and is pathologically horny. What irrational yet compelling duration best conveys this surplus of desire?

Extra Credit

The White Stripes’ Overconfidence Corollary

GIVEN: A subject who is a braggart, prone to violence, and fond of hyperbole.

ASSUME: Nation-states are willing to form a coalition against this individual but will only deploy land forces (no naval or air support). What combined fighting force might this person claim would still be unable to hold them back?

Answer Key

1. “It Takes Two” 2. One 3. “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” 4. “867-5309/Jenny” 5. “Two Princes” 6. “American Pi” [sic] 7.

8. “99 Problems” 9. “Love Potion No. 9” 10. “Eight Days a Week” (“Thirty-Two Days a Month” may also be accepted, but isn’t as catchy.) EXTRA CREDIT: “Seven Nation Army”

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