By most rules of etiquette, a guest should not feel obliged to bring a host a gift. Still, one wonders: If Odysseus had presented the Cyclops with a collection of fancy soaps for the cave or theatre tickets to the new “Oedipus” on Broadway, would his crew have been served dinner instead of being served for dinner? And so here are a few offerings to appease your next host. (Caswell-Massey’s Sandalwood Explorer Soap Set for men, for $48, or the Farmhouse Artisan Goat Milk and Tallow Soap Sampler from Pretty Farm Girl, for $50.)

Caswell-Massey soap-bar set

Let’s start small. The mid-century-style working TinyTV ($60), about the size of a large marshmallow, has a crisp picture and comes with a tiny functioning remote. It arrives preloaded with a selection of TV programs, and you can easily upload more videos and movies onto the adorable thing. You know who’d love it? Barbie. The very best bite-sized umbrella is the Davek Mini ($65), weighing eight ounces and measuring seven inches when closed. If your friend isn’t worth that much, the Sy Compact Travel Umbrella ranges from $14, for what we’ll call Umbrella Black, to $14, for a canopy with a scene of a castle in a forest by a lake. Money’s no question and you want to make someone feel miserable about leaving his umbrella on the subway? The full-sized Snakewood from the House of Swaine is made of hand-stitched silk and has a handle fashioned from forty-to-seventy-year-old ebony wood “harvested” in tropical Africa, one suspects, by Carson from “Downton Abbey” ($2,470, and that’s not a typo; the $4,160 selection with the silver-plated band around the handle is sold out, which shows you how much some people don’t like to get wet). To be nice, throw in a Davek Loss Alert Sensor that tethers with his phone so he can keep track of his umbrella’s gallivanting ($35). There may be vases more microscopic than the 1.9-inch-high pastel-colored glass vessels at the MOMA Design Store ($20 for a set of five, or $18 if you’re a museum member), but I can’t see them. To complete the look, pop in a parsley sprig or a doll-house bouquet of fake roses ($7 for a half dozen or so).

Davek loss-alert sensor

Long after snow has vanished from the planet, there will still be snow globes. I’m charmed particularly by one in which a family of three topiary elephants weather the blizzard on a bed of daisies ($69; a portion of sales are donated to the charity Save the Elephants). In another, a quick shake turns three bare birch trees into a winter wonderland ($69).

Jellyfish paperweight

Snow globes that stay put are paperweights. If your flyaway-paper problem is out of control, a translucent jellyfish in different colors can help ($33). Anyone with unresolved anger issues should stay away from this hefty crystal apple, which could moonlight as a wrecking ball ($50).

Even those indifferent to updated terms and conditions will appreciate L’Objet’s Gecko Magnifying Glass that makes fine print seven times less fine. The gold-plated lizard stretches its tail—a.k.a. the handle—as it crawls along the rim, en route to read the finest of print ($150). I won’t tell if you opt for the aluminum snake version ($50).

Kokedama plants

In these polarized times, can we all agree that bringing a bouquet of flowers without a vase to a party is as inconsiderate and burdensome as showing up nine months pregnant and asking your host to deliver the baby? That is why a kokedama plant is the perfect present. Kokedama is the Japanese style of potting plants by encasing the root in a ball of soil and clay which is covered in moss—picture a cantaloupe dressed as a Chia Pet. The ball serves as the pot and can be displayed on a plate or hung from the ceiling. Minimal care is required—a few times a month, submerge the ball in water for ten to twenty minutes, then let it drain. There are some wonderful specimens to order at Bloomist ($58-$88) and Of Soil and Moss (starting at $48). Additionally, many florists sell them—for instance, there’s Moss and Green in Brooklyn, where you can acquire a Pink Quill that looks like a pineapple transitioning into a flower ($88). If you prefer a plant that leads a more sheltered life, Terrart NYC sells terrariums, including one inside a lightbulb ($50).

For the pet-lover who hates taking care of pets: a self-sufficient ecosystem containing two or three miniature unneedy shrimp that can live for years without much help from you. Along with the crustaceans, the four-inch-diameter glass sphere contains gravel, an elegant branch of artificial coral, and algae that supply oxygen and food—the perfect houseguests ($99).

Pot, protests, and Cher are back, so why not lava lamps? They were invented by Edward Craven Walker, a British accountant who made underwater nudist films on the side. Walker came up with the idea for the lamp in a pub, where he saw an experimental egg-timer contraption that entailed boiling a mixture of oil and water (when the oil blobs reach the surface, the egg is cooked). Mathos, the lighting company Walker founded in 1963 to manufacture his creation, still makes lava lamps. Among them: a slim column nearly ten feet high (£8,500), a tower that looks like a dolphin about to take off into outer space (£415), and a shiny copper-plated, candle-powered device that resembles a big pill capsule (£50). Mathos doesn’t ship to the U.S., and why go through the trouble of smuggling? Here in America we have groovy new ones that evoke elongated hourglasses and rockets (starting at $30).

Some letter openers are so appealing that it’s a treat to open your jury-duty notice and junk mail. If you no longer receive mail, you can use the paper knives as peanut-butter spreaders. Here are a few that any desk would be happy to show off. A gold-plated envelope ripper that doubles as a ruler; its graduated markings in inches are engraved along the edge because don’t you want to measure your Visa bill ($36)? From the late Enzo Mari, the famed Italian product and furniture designer, a sleek twist of shimmering steel that looks as though it might give you the power to cut through stone ($70). If the Ingalls family of “Little House on Prairie” owned a letter opener, it would be hand-forged by one of the blacksmiths at Wicks Forge, a family business that’s been in the metal industry since the nineteen-hundreds, when a Wick worked on the Statue of Liberty. The slender blade, about eight inches long, curls back on itself into a rounded spiral like the swirl of soft-serve ice cream and ends in a leaflike embellishment. It can be personalized with a set of initials, a name, or message, up to ten characters ($30).

“The LSD Marathon” wool blanket

Have you been a houseguest for so long your mail’s being forwarded there? In that case, a practical present for your host and you is a blanket or towel. You can’t go wrong at ZigZagZurich, where browsing textiles is second best to viewing an exhibit of modern art. There are lots of Mondrianesque patterns, but also some whimsical scenes such as the wool blanket titled “The LSD Marathon,” which depicts in black and white a bunch of “runners” doing their own thing ($270; in general, blankets are $203-$270; towels and mini-blankets, from $107-$134).

If you’re planning to spill red wine on your host’s white sofa, bringing paper cocktail napkins is a useless but thoughtful gesture. Thematically appropriate would be these retro-styled napkins on which one of the two women, dressed in nineteen-fifties cocktail dresses and sporting nineteen-fifties hairdos, whispers to the other: “Who is this ‘Moderation’ we are supposed to be drinking with?” ($11 for twenty). Another to consider is the nostalgic selection from The New York Review of Books on which there’s an illustration of bookshelves packed with novels ($10 for twenty-five).

How about an assortment of pencils from Kenya? Hand-carved and hand-painted by craftsmen from the Kamba tribe to represent the heads of different safari animals, they could understudy at “Little Lion King” ($49 for a set of five; $74 for ten). If you are giving these to a Gen Z-er or young millennial, I advise bundling the package with a copy of the funny “How to Sharpen Pencils: A Practical & Theoretical Treatise on the Artisanal Craft of Pencil Sharpening for Writers, Artists, Contractors, Flange Turners, Anglesmiths, & Civil Servants” ($22). This tongue-in-cheek artisanal guide to sharpening pencils, whose chapters include one on how to break into someone’s house and smash their electric pencil sharpener, was published in 2013, but used copies abound on Amazon as well as used-books purveyors such as Alibris.

Venus soy candle

Maybe the best house present is a house? Interest rates are still high, though, so maybe a candle shaped like a house? Design Within Reach has them on sale for $33, reduced from $55. Hand-painted tapers ($25) and votive candles ($29 for a set of three) from South Africa look as if they’re upholstered in bright, cheerful textiles, heavy on the orange and greens. Each candle is one of a kind. If you learn anything by looking at the candles of Greek gods and goddesses on Etsy, it’s that there must have been a great gym on Mt. Olympus. A buff eight-inch-tall Zeus is $76. Venus is taller (nine inches) and equally fit but goes for less (typical! $40).

You know what’s great about naming something after your host? No gift wrapping. There are more places offering star-naming services than there are stars in the sky, but a reliable one is StarRegistration.com. Depending on the piece of sky you want to occupy, prices range from $60 to $150; constellations are $100. The Cry Me a Cockroach program at the San Antonio Zoo allows you to name a roach or rodent, which will be fed to a zoo dweller at the zoo’s annual benefit on Valentine’s Day. The roach comes with a donation of $10, $25 for a rodent, and there’s a vegetable option for $5. For lonely empty nesters, consider adopting a killer whale on its behalf (tip: a more polite term to use is “orca”). They’re a bargain, by the way: $22 for tons of blubber, plus a photograph, certificate, sticker, and more. Alternatively, you can make someone a honey-bee guardian for $39, or spend $200 and adopt a hive, which your proud friend can visit in Jacksonville, Florida.

What to bring when your host doesn’t tell you to bring nothing? I’ve given a Donald Trump voodoo doll seventy-one times, so I’m beginning to wonder about its effectiveness. Anyway, it makes a good dog toy ($14). A goofy but useful gift is Soylent, the meal replacement chugged by Silicon Valley bros who have no time for luxuries like food (starting at $38 for twelve bottles). Or maybe your host might like a Secret Sharpie that looks and functions like the real thing but comes with a secret compartment that can be used to conceal pills, cash, or state secrets ($10). ♦