“I am interested in a kind of mutually alert care and attention to the wellbeing of all people and ecological systems. This kind of leadership cannot be found in individuals; rather, it is found between them.” -Nora Bateson

“In today’s rush, we all think too much—seek too much—want too much—and forget about the joy of just being.” - Eckhardt Tolle

I recently attended a workshop with over 100 people where environmental factors, such as pesticides and other hazardous chemicals, were discussed. Many of these chemicals are still in use and are injurious to our nervous system. The collective emotional climate was obviously tense and discouraging.

During a needed interlude, a professional drummer did an exercise. First, he had us all clap in unison, facing him. Everyone recognized a comforting synchrony and a feeling of relaxation. Then he had both halves of the room face each other and clap in unison. The emotional climate afterwards was much more secure and appreciative of each other throughout the room.

This reminded me of one of my first anthropology classes, where we watched a film of a shaman resolving a contentious conflict, both verbal and non-verbal, between members of a non-industrial indigenous village. The shaman had everyone moving and clapping in sync. Gradually, all began to embrace one another and moved on, tears of relief in their eyes, to their daily tasks.

Over the past several years, I have emphasized the importance of what should be shared through mutual win-win communication, whether one-to-one or many-to-many. Topics and resources covered the usual suspects — indicative of what is not happening in our society and what causes discord — such as strengthening and supporting significant relationships, communication, empathy, addressing loneliness, and conflict.

As a therapist, I have been working with numerous individuals, families, and couples who need to communicate in safe, win-win relationships that thread through the different contexts of our lives. Unfortunately, these contexts have become fragmented and seen as separate —i.e., schooling, family, economics, medicine, media, etc. I have worked with those already in a significant relationship and those struggling to create new friendships that lack meaningful sustenance. Being systemic, I look for ecological patterns in communication where the whole is more than the sum of its parts, and it is indicative of what is not occurring amongst its parts.

This framework depends on the systemic understanding of how, why, when, and in what ways we are committed to exploring and maintaining relationships. It includes being empathetic, celebrating equity, and the many ways of being intimate, by focusing on what is between us when we communicate. Being sensitive to avoiding power struggles by emphasizing collaboration rather than negotiation is a prerequisite for navigating escalating conflict or suppressing others.

In our contemporary situation, there is obvious concern about the patterns of polarization, retribution, anger, and a sense of isolation and depression resulting from many temptations that undermine the healthy ecology we strive for. I am a proponent of encouraging what I call “stochastic interaction,” in which random emerging insights are used for improvisational dialogue.

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This is what stimulates healthy recognition, exploring what seems hidden in our psyche but is not unheard. Yet this deluge of wanting to share those feelings needs forums and encouragement to actualize our interdependence without competition, projections, defensiveness, or assumptions. It is a blending connection like the dazzling mutuality found in Aikido, which I practiced for over 35 years, or the sound vibrations of any harmonious rapport.

My mentor at Columbia University, anthropologist Paul Byers, who studied how our brain rhythms phase-lock during a win-win collaborative exchange, demonstrated how we can reach our human potential to feel the good vibrations of a relationship. It exists in singing, in a soothing Raga, or in holding hands. Yet it becomes interrupted whenever cultural constraints such as manipulation, imposed power, discrimination, ego, etc., get in the way. However, this human desire is desperately sought after.

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Maureen Dowd recently wrote about this in her New York Times opinion piece, where she describes “bromances” — male desire for friendship. Michael Smerconish’s brilliant mingle project is another framework for bringing people together, as is Nora Bateson’s warm data process, which demonstrates how empowerment lies in creating healthy mutual learning relationships. These, and many such forums, especially those that use poetic expression and other aesthetic practices, are the human metaphor for a healthy social ecology. One where the whole is nurtured by the respect and admiration of its parts, which can celebrate those “good vibrations” which is a prelude to mutual recognition of our natural urge for being interdependent.

**Prompts to Encourage the Exploration and Creation of Collaborative Solutions Frameworks **

Consider what differences you may experience if your relationships were reciprocal, respectful, and transparent.

How would your behavior be different if all the institutions and contexts you travel through were seen as interconnected and interdependent?

In what ways would you feel different if you were able to express yourself with others who may disagree with you in a win-win communication manner?

How would being in a collaborative relationship within your significant relationships, as well as all relationships, enhance your life and those within your immediate family and community?

How different would it be to be with you if your relationships defined you?

How would you interpret that “it takes two to know oneself, and many to know many?”

In what ways would your life be different if all the contexts, i.e., work, family, economics, media, etc., that you interface with were mutually and effectively working in an interdependent manner?