Positive change that occurs through reflection or insight hardly affects the autopilot brain, which is dominated by habits, conditioned responses, tacit attitudes, and deep bias.

We’re aware of judgments, feelings, and values only in the reflective brain. Trouble is, the autopilot brain processes much faster, requiring much less effort than the reflective brain. When autopilot judgments do become conscious, we tend to justify rather than evaluate them. To paraphrase psychologist Daniel Kahneman, we judge first then look for reasons, subject to confirmation bias.

The reflective brain can override the autopilot brain, but it tends to be a few steps behind, especially in low physical resources—exhaustion, hunger, sleep-deprivation, alcohol use. Under enveloping stress, all animals, including humans, retreat to previously learned habits. This puts the autopilot brain in almost complete control of what we think, feel, or do.

Changes wrought by the reflective brain are likely to last only if the autopilot brain is conditioned (through practice) to execute them.

Autopilot Shame, Outer Pride

Shame is a painful perception of self as failing, inadequate, impotent, defective, unattractive, or unlovable. Pride is a pleasant perception of self as successful, accomplished, potent, admirable, attractive, or lovable.

Shame is mostly confined to the autopilot brain. Rarely do we consciously consider ourselves to be unlovable failures. Shame is evident to others only when shameful behavior is exposed—that is, we get caught. If people consistently misinterpret your intentions or you’re surprised by their negative reactions to your behavior, autopilot shame may be the reason.

Autopilot shame and outer-self pride form the most common contradiction between the autopilot brain and the outer self. Coping with the contradiction can take the form of:

• Self-obsession.
• Inflated ego.
• Entitlement.
• Manipulation.
• Devaluing others.

Shaming others—making them feel small, defective, repulsive, isolated, unlovable—has a similar effect on the autopilot brain, forming a perpetual feedback loop, wherein outer-self coping (typically implying, if not asserting superiority) stimulates autopilot shame.

Autopilot shame is healed by practicing outer-self compassion and basic humanity.

A Path to Self-Awareness

We all have qualities, behaviors, habits, or tendencies we don’t like. Although we try not to think of them, we’re prone to project them onto others. The surest way to discover and improve what you don’t like about yourself is to reflect on what irritates you about others.

• If you’re intolerant of selfish people, appreciate other people’s perspectives.

• If offended by close-minded people, be more open-minded.

• If irritated by resentful people, be more compassionate.

• If impatient with judgmental people, be more curious and less judgmental.

• If complainers seem insufferable, be more improvement-oriented.

• If testy around stubborn people, be more cooperative.

• If you can’t stand to be interrupted, listen better.

• If egotists, braggarts, or self-promoters get under your skin, be humbler.

• If you can’t take rigid people, be more flexible.

• If agitated by disrespectful people, be more respectful.

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Lasting Change

Autopilot perceptions and judgments change only through repetition of thoughts and behavior incompatible with the perception or judgment. The following are skills that can be acquired through practice.

• If you suffer from an inflated ego, practice humility. (Research shows consistently that, in general, we’re not as smart or skilled as we think we are.)
• If you feel entitled to manipulate or control others, practice *basic humanity—*respect for and interest in the well-being of others.
• If you feel like devaluing people, recognize that, like you, they’re frail humans.
• If you feel phony or like an impostor, act on your deeper values to become the person, partner, and parent you most want to be.
• If you feel like shaming others, focus on self-compassion—sympathy for your hurt with a motivation to heal.

Choose Your Focus

Our brains prepare us for what we expect to happen. When we expect negative things to happen, we get doses of adrenaline and cortisol, which alter facial expressions, body tension, and tone of voice. These changes are outside conscious awareness, as they turn expectations into self-fulfilling prophesy. For example, if we expect criticism, we’ll be defensive before it occurs, thereby increasing the likelihood that we’ll be criticized. Similarly, expectations of failure diminish effort, practically guaranteeing failure.

Autopilot judgments about our ability to cope are the hidden amplifier of negative experience—anxiety, depression, grief, irritability, anger, hostility, resentment. To overcome the negative bias of anticipation, shift focus from what might happen to your ability to cope with whatever happens.

Think of how you coped better than you thought you would in the past and how you’ll cope with any bad things likely to happen in the future.

Mantra:

“I will make good things happen as much as possible and make the best of any bad things that happen.”

Attitudes and Values

Attitudes are sets of feelings, beliefs, and behaviors, especially toward particular objects, persons, or events. They typically imply values or lack thereof.

Tacit attitudes are often the assumptions underlying autopilot behavior. To improve autopilot behavior, practice altering attitudes, not temporary feelings. Examples:

• Turn a resentful attitude into an attitude of connection by practicing binocular vision (the ability to see your partner’s perspective alongside your own) and *compassionate assertiveness—*standing up for your rights and privileges in ways that respect the rights, privileges, and vulnerabilities of your partner.
• Turn an *attitude of entitlement *into an attitude of fairness by examining your behavior in terms of fairness, not preferences or ego.
• Turn a superior or *inferior attitude *into one of *equality *by accepting that you’re neither inferior nor superior to your partner and that your rights and preferences are equal.

Prevention

In our high-stress world, with unending waves of problems, we focus more on solving than preventing. Examples:

*Solve—*discipline children (punish undesired behavior). *Prevent—*empower children (help them learn/remember desired behavior).

Solve—apologize. *Prevent—*maintain respect, value, compassion, kindness.

*Solve—*seek sex therapy. *Prevent—*establish small moments of connection throughout the day—hugs, eye contact, brief touch.

Focus on problems makes them seem more important than anything else. An attitude of prevention makes personal and relationship well-being the most important things.