“You probably think we’re the worst parents.”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard parents say this when they come for help with their child’s defiant behavior. While nothing could be further from the truth—I admire the love and dedication these parents show—it’s easy to understand why they expect criticism. Parents of challenging kids endure advice from friends and relatives and get disapproving looks from strangers at the grocery store.
The fact is, nobody has any idea about how incredibly difficult it is to have a challenging kid (unless they have one themselves). But others will judge and blame you anyway.
The ever-present criticism from others is painful, but it isn’t even as bad as what is going on inside the head of the parent of a challenging child. You agree with…
“You probably think we’re the worst parents.”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard parents say this when they come for help with their child’s defiant behavior. While nothing could be further from the truth—I admire the love and dedication these parents show—it’s easy to understand why they expect criticism. Parents of challenging kids endure advice from friends and relatives and get disapproving looks from strangers at the grocery store.
The fact is, nobody has any idea about how incredibly difficult it is to have a challenging kid (unless they have one themselves). But others will judge and blame you anyway.
The ever-present criticism from others is painful, but it isn’t even as bad as what is going on inside the head of the parent of a challenging child. You agree with the critics! Deep down, you believe that you and your co-parent must be doing something terribly wrong.
Here’s the truth I want you to hear: You aren’t to blame for your child’s challenges. As Psychiatrist Dr. Stanley Greenspan put it: “You aren’t the cause, but you can be the solution.” Recognizing this truth isn’t just about feeling better. It’s an essential first step in solving the problems you’re facing.
Why You Aren’t the Cause
In our culture, we give parents far too much credit when kids do well, and unfairly blame them when they struggle. In fact, if you have other children, you know that your experiences parenting them can be very different.
Psychologist Dr. James Garbarino experienced this firsthand with his two children—a challenging boy and a typical girl. Teacher conferences for his daughter were full of praise, making him and his wife feel like great parents. But conferences for their challenging son focused on his poor performance and disruptive behavior, leaving them feeling like incompetent failures. The same parents, very different results.
My work with challenging kids and their families over the past 30 years has taught me a similar truth. In my experience, “bad parenting” is rarely the cause of the child’s problems. Far more often, challenging behavior is largely driven by the child’s temperament and executive functioning. Kids with challenging temperaments experience intense emotional reactivity and struggle with self-regulation. They also have executive functioning difficulties—trouble with inhibitory control, working memory, and cognitive flexibility. These are the things that cause challenging behavior, not bad parenting.
You might want to stop me here and say: “But if we do yell, threaten, or shame our child when they’re being challenging, that IS bad parenting.” Of course, these actions don’t help and can make things worse. But I believe it’s more accurate to think of these as reactions to challenging behavior rather than the cause. And these reactions are where we can intervene first.
When faced with meltdowns, homework refusal, or backtalk, we feel desperate to get through the moment using any means we can. We threaten, bribe, yell, beg, cave—all in an effort to survive. We end up feeling like a terrible parent because we’re constantly losing our cool.
How Blame Makes Everything Worse
While it’s easy to fall into self-blame, you need to let it go. Not only are you not the cause, but the blame-game distracts you from focusing on what you can do to “be the solution.”
Blame Wastes Time
There’s a great scene in the movie Apollo 13 where two of the astronauts in their damaged spacecraft start angrily pointing fingers of blame at each other. Commander Jim Lovell interrupts: “We are not going to do this. We are not going to go bouncing off the walls for ten minutes. We’re just going to end up right back here with the same problems, trying to stay alive.”
Lovell understood that blame wastes time and energy that could be devoted to finding solutions.
Blame Causes Conflict
Blame—whether directed at yourself, your child, or your co-parent–leads to defensiveness and conflict. This gets in the way of the collaboration that families need to solve big problems. We need teamwork, not blame.
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Blame Interferes With Solution-Oriented Thinking
Blame triggers the fight-or-flight response, shutting off rational thinking. Sometimes we go into fight mode—yelling at our child or co-parent. More often, shame and guilt trigger flight: We retreat and avoid dealing with our family problems because they just make us feel bad.
Even when we try to think about problems, guilt and shame disrupt our thinking. They interfere with creative brainstorming and evoke a depressive response—decreased energy, diminished motivation, and helplessness. This is the opposite of the grit and persistence we need for improving a challenging situation.
Blame Looks Backward. Solutions Are Found Looking Forward.
Blame appears to be about identifying causes, but it isn’t solution-oriented. It’s about criticizing, judging, and determining who deserves punishment. Blame encourages ruminating on backward-looking thoughts like, “How could this have happened?” or “Why me?”
Take Responsibility Instead
Instead of taking the blame, I want you to take responsibility. Responsibility is empowering. It aims at understanding the problem: What happened? What is my contribution? What can I do to change things? While blame is stuck in the past, responsibility focuses on creating a better future.
Blame asks: “Who should feel bad about getting us here?”
Responsibility asks: “What are we going to do now to make things better?”
When we react impulsively or from fight-or-flight, we’re being reactive, not responsible. Responsiveness means calm, thoughtful, intentional action.
One of the most important capacities your child can develop is the ability to take responsibility. The most powerful way we teach responsibility is by modeling it—bypassing blame and focusing on problem-solving.
Moving Forward
You didn’t cause your child’s challenging behavior, but you can help them learn to manage themselves better. It’s not just difficult to parent a challenging child; it is difficult to be a challenging child.
The first step is letting go of blame, not because you’re perfect, but because blame keeps you stuck and reactive. When you free yourself from self-criticism, you free up the energy for the calm, creative problem-solving your child needs.
Your child isn’t looking for a perfect parent. They need a parent who can stay calm under pressure, who can see their struggles clearly, and who can help them build the skills they’re missing. You can be that parent.
My book, Challenging Boys: A Proven Plan for Keeping Your Cool and Helping Your Son Thrive, offers practical strategies for making that shift and helping your child thrive.