More than ever, young adults are struggling to find their footing. While social media paints a picture of adult children effortlessly landing jobs, moving out, and thriving, many adult children quietly feel quite the opposite. As a coach for parents of these children, I can tell you that they often feel overwhelmed, stuck, and ashamed.

In many cases, what holds young adults back is not a lack of ability or talent. Rather, they overthink in negative ways, with their minds their worst enemies. Often, they battle three distorted, self-limiting beliefs that damage their self-worth and make progress feel scary. These beliefs thrive in silence, fueling anxiety, avoidance, and vast levels of insecurity.

Here is what those lies sound like as self-sabotaging inner narratives. Drawing from my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, we will also look at how you can support your struggling adult child to break free.

Lie #1: *I’m behind, and it’s too late to catch up. *

This distorted belief often comes from young adults negatively comparing themselves to “more successful peers” or others. Essentially, adult children holding this belief have decided they have fallen short or even failed before they have begun. They “should” all be over themselves regarding finances, careers, and relationships, comparing themselves unfavorably to the idealized success they have (and never realistically will) achieved.

Real Life Example

James (name changed for this example), age 24, avoids applying for jobs because each listing makes him feel ashamed. During an initial counseling session, he said to me, “Everyone else has figured out their lives except me. I suck at planning what to do because I overthink everything.”

How to help

Normalize detours. Gently remind your adult child that timelines and growth are personal, not a race.

Lie #2: *If I try and I fail, everyone will know I’m not good enough. *

Many of my parent-coaching clients tell me that their adult children fear failure, which overrides their willingness to apply themselves. Many adult children who think this way freeze up and avoid taking decisive steps to advance themselves because, in their minds, a stumble would confirm their inability.

Real Life Example

Twenty-six-year-old Marissa wants to return to college but keeps delaying her reenrollment. One bad grade, she erroneously reasons, will prove she is incompetent—so she continues to informally major in “inaction.”

How to help

Highlight past successes. Praise any progress of the past or current small successes and emphasize patience, persistence, and learning over perfect outcomes.

Lie #3: I Can’t Handle Real Life—It’s Too Overwhelming for me.

Anxiety makes every action step feel like a mountain. Losing themselves in social media, video games, or other distractions feels soothing. The avoidance comfort zone feels safe, even though it is an unfulfilling void.

Real Life Example

Thirty-two-year-old Sean stays underemployed in a low-paying job because they feel it is not worth the hassle of interviews, paperwork, and potential onboarding. Sean says, “Why should I put myself through that crazy stress and get myself all kinds of anxious over it all”?

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Why These Lies Stick

Today’s young adults are navigating:

• Higher, more intense pressure to quickly succeed
• Constant comparison against perfectly curated images via social media
• Fears about mental health, stability, and instability in a rapidly changing world.

When life gets overwhelming, avoidance becomes the answer, even though this avoidance leaves them feeling more stuck.

Many parents who contact me end up realizing they are adding counterproductive stress and pressure by commenting that progress is too slow. Yet, beneath their adult children’s motivational blocks, there is usually fear rather than defiance.

Final Thoughts: A New Script To Offer

I have coached parents to shift their approach with struggling adult children. No adult child I have spoken with has ever refuted the supportive script of:

It’s okay not to have it all figured out. Let’s focus on what you can do next.

To convey that script as a mindset mentor to your adult child, try saying things like the following:

• Small steps still count.
• You’re growing even if you don’t see progress. I see it. Just by us being open and having a calm, constructive conversation, you are already advancing your cause.
• *I’m proud of you for your courage in being open with me and for still trying. *

These soundbites can help your struggling adult child develop a much more helpful inner narrative:

Maybe I am capable enough to move forward.

This new, positive belief, even whispered, is where real positive change begins.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.