The concept of Emotional Quotient (EQ) or Emotional Intelligence (EI) is widely recognized as an important aspect of life success. Neurodivergent people have unique strengths and weaknesses, which are unfortunately sometimes interpreted as impacting EQ negatively; however, this deserves re-examination. As psychologist and author Dr. Temple Grandin, who herself has autism, states, “I am different, not less.”

In an effort to decrease bias against individuals who are neurodivergent, we can examine the four primary domains of EQ and consider adjustments that are more compassionate in relation to some of the neurodivergent characteristics. The metaphors utilized in my previous Mindful Metaphors post on EQ are still applicable but do need some slight modification to more accurately include the neurodivergent experience.

Self-Awareness: Special Sensory Suit

Being self-aware means having the ability to understand ourselves and our inner world. Although some neurodivergent individuals may not have a fully developed way of describing emotions, their interoception (sensing and interpreting signals from within the body) and neuroception (detecting and interpreting cues from the external environment) are often highly sensitive and attuned. They may know when a situation feels uncomfortable or when they are overloaded, and they can then often take action much more expediently than neurotypicals.

Although this acutely developed sensitivity is sometimes considered problematic or “over-dramatic,” we might actually consider how increased awareness allows more effective responsiveness. The capacity for sound, touch, or sitting still may indeed be different for individuals who are neurodivergent, but this does not alter the fact that they often know more about their bodies and environments than others, and sometimes even themselves, realize.

We might imagine this as a special body suit that is attuned to internal and external shifts in a highly specialized way. Multiple factors can affect and trigger a sensor alarm or warning. Those who are equipped with such a suit may be alert to visual patterns, tones, or ambiance shifts much sooner and more significantly than others who remain oblivious or non-affected. Despite not necessarily having words or interest in explaining this to others, there is often an awareness that is more fine-tuned and suggests a different, more specialized type of self-awareness.

Self-Regulation: A Sound Board

Managing oneself in various circumstances is an important part of navigating effectively in this world. All people have times of getting dysregulated or irritable, and we all need to find ways to manage these in ways that help make things better rather than worse. Neurodivergent individuals absolutely have the capacity to self-regulate, though it might look different.

An individual who is neurodivergent may find it helpful to picture one of those sound boards that are used in recording studios or theater productions. When some sensation is getting “too loud,” then some adjustment on the board might be needed. The combination of honoring self-awareness and then making needed adjustments can be practiced and learned.

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But instead of attempting to force a neurotypical mold of response, it would be kinder to allow for differences in response. Someone who is less highly sensitive might be able to take a few deep breaths or a brief break before continuing a difficult conversation, while someone who is neurodivergent might need to engage in some special interest focus or extended solo time for several hours as a means of getting a more effective break. This is smart.

Understanding Others: Zooming In and Out

Interpersonal awareness involves being able to understand the emotions and behaviors of others. Neurodivergent people may not be as comfortable with others in the same way as neurotypicals, but they are often more covertly aware of some specific details. Because analytical skills are often a strength, the knowledge base may often be much broader than is often recognized.

Individuals with neurodivergence may, for instance, pick up that someone’s brows furrow when they are upset or that a superficial smile somehow feels off, but they may not know what to do with this information. Such individuals also have more empathy than is often recognized because they demonstrate this in distinctive ways; they may be impacted by another’s sad situation but not show melancholy in the presence of others or look away rather than tearing up or hugging the person.

The metaphor of having one’s camera ready to zoom in or zoom out might be an effective means of addressing this process of neurodivergent interpersonal acuity. There are times when zooming in to notice very specific details and then attempting to connect this to what might have been learned will be most effective; at other times, more zooming out might be needed to connect context clues of what might be happening in a given situation. Gathering additional data like a scientist to allow for code-cracking is often beneficial.

Interacting With Others: Choosing Personalized Dancing

Social connection is known to be essential for the survival of our species; however, neurodivergent individuals often seek and require a different approach to establishing and maintaining this connection. The style and frequency may be different, but this does not make it less valuable or less important.

Rather than thinking everyone needs to learn how to do ballroom dancing with partners, can we instead think about allowing individuals to pick country line dancing, silent disco, or modern dance? Neurodivergent individuals often want to have connections with others, but it might be to discuss topics of special interest or to engage in exciting adventures with a particular focus. Wanting different or fewer of such connections does not make it bad or wrong.

Relationship management may look different for neurodivergent individuals, such as more “parallel play” type of engagements or seemingly more formulaic back-and-forth interactions; however, again, this different kind of interacting should not be less respected if it still fulfills the bidirectional social battery for both. Those who are neurodivergent may not always do what others are doing, but often they have figured out clever ways to navigate tricky situations. This is resilience.

Expand Rather Than Limit: A Welcome Sign

Broadening the definition of how EQ skills can be assessed and applied for those with neurodivergence helps to expand rather than limit the concepts. Just as a welcome sign might warmly invite individuals to come into a home or a business, expanded concepts in this domain help to be more welcoming, accepting, and non-prejudicial in approach.

The goal in recognizing such differences is not for assimilation but to increase awareness and provide support as needed. Neurodivergent individuals often seek to understand themselves and the world better, and explicit instruction and tailored strategies can assist; however, refining skills is not meant to make someone more “normal” or typical. There is wisdom in celebrating individuality.

References

Goleman, D. (2020). Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ (25th anniversary ed.). Bantam Books.

Grandin, T. (2012). Different, not less: Inspiring stories of achievement and successful employment from adults with autism, Asperger’s, and ADHD. Future Horizons.

Mayer, J D., Salovey, P., & Caruso, D.R. (2008). Emotional intelligence: New ability or eclectic traits? American Psychologist, 63, 503-517.

Mortillaro, M., & Schlegel, K. (2023). Embracing the Emotion in Emotional Intelligence Measurement: Insights from Emotion Theory and Research. Journal of Intelligence, 11(11), 210.

Nerenberg, J. (2020). Divergent minds: Thriving in a world that wasn’t designed for you. HarperOne.

Price, D. (2022). Unmasking autism: Discovering the new faces of neurodiversity. Harmony Books.