When your young adult is living at home and seems stuck, it’s one of the hardest things a parent can face. After years of making sure homework gets done, carpooling to practices, and helping your child reach for every opportunity, it’s heartbreaking to watch your capable young adult seem lost, unmotivated, or uninterested in building their life.

Whether your child struggled through school and needed support or was once self-driven and ambitious, seeing them spin their wheels can leave parents feeling helpless. And while that feeling is miserable, it’s important to remember that the next steps must come from them. Here’s how to stay grounded, connected, and effective—even when progress feels slow.

When to Bring in Professional Support

If your young adult isn’t engaged in work, education, or a treatment program addressing the barriers to independence, it’s time to bring in professional help. As unhappy as you may feel as a parent, they are often more unhappy—stuck in confusion, shame, or fear.

It’s human nature to move toward independence and autonomy. When that drive stalls, it usually means something deeper is in the way—anxiety, depression, executive functioning challenges, or developmental delays. A therapist or coach who understands this stage can help assess what’s happening and support small, meaningful steps forward, while parents focus on managing their own emotions and maintaining balance in their lives.

1. Validate That This Is Hard for You

Parents deserve to acknowledge what’s real: anger, frustration, sadness, guilt, even shame. Watching your young adult struggle while others seem to thrive can feel dejecting.

Reaching a place of acceptance—that this is where your child is right now—is painful but freeing. Acceptance doesn’t mean approval; it means acknowledging reality so you can respond effectively and compassionately.

2. Know What’s in Your Control (and What’s Not)

Imagine you and your child are each driving your own cars. You can move only your car—not theirs. Trying to drive theirs from yours will wear you out and won’t get them moving.

Radically accept that your child will move when they’re ready. Overinvesting in their outcomes can actually slow progress. You want their internal conflict—the tension between being stuck and wanting to function as an adult—to drive change, not conflict between them and you. When the motivation comes from within, they experience real growth: tolerating discomfort, building competence, and gaining confidence. That’s what creates momentum.

3. Create Accountability and Structure

Parents do have control over expectations and the environment. If your child is in treatment, collaborate with their providers to determine reasonable expectations.

Work together to establish clear agreements—starting with the basics:

• Daily self-care (showering, brushing teeth).
• Household chores or contributions.
• Small acts of productivity—helping a neighbor, running errands, exercising, taking a class, or gig work (DoorDash, Instacart, etc.).
• Anything that involves effort, purpose, or movement counts—except sleeping, scrolling, or endless gaming.

If your child refuses to engage in conversation, encourage them to discuss these topics with a therapist or another trusted adult. Increase expectations gradually, matching each new step to their demonstrated ability to manage distress.

If They Refuse to Participate: Two Constructive Paths Forward

First, lead with authenticity and connection.

• A Parent’s Role
• Take our Authoritative Parenting Test
• Find a family therapist near me

Return to the human relationship first. Express genuine care and empathy: acknowledge that you know they’re struggling and that you want to understand what feels hard right now. Reaffirm your family’s values—that contributing to the household and community matters, and that doing so builds resilience and distress tolerance. Conversations grounded in compassion rather than frustration can reopen trust and communication.

Next, establish thoughtful, planned limits.

If progress remains stalled, you may need to set clear boundaries around resources such as phone or gaming access, car use, or spending money until your young adult is ready to take steps forward. This approach works best when it’s planned, consistent, and communicated in advance—not reactive or driven by emotion. Give them notice and genuine opportunities to make healthy choices before implementing limits. Done calmly and predictably, it reinforces accountability without rupturing the relationship.

Remember: patience and consistency are your allies, and time—along with ongoing brain development—is on your side.

For young adults with neurodivergence or lifelong support needs, begin gradually shifting the role of daily support from parent to trained professional.

4. Toggle Between Acceptance and Change

When your child starts to make even small efforts, resist the urge to immediately ask what’s next. Progress—especially fragile, early progress—can easily stall under pressure. Instead, be a cheerleader, not a critic. Offer encouragement, express faith in their abilities, and remind them that you’re there for support if they want it. When they do open up about plans, start with curiosity: “It sounds like you’ve been thinking a lot about your next steps—what’s on your mind?”

Ask if they’d like your input before offering ideas. If they say yes, share them calmly and without attachment to the outcome. Finally, watch for your own internal judgments. Even silent “shoulds” (“They should be able to…”) can interfere with the deep patience this process requires.

The Bottom Line

Your young adult’s journey toward independence may not look linear or fast. But growth is happening—often quietly—beneath the surface. Your role is to hold steady: compassionate, consistent, and with boundaries.

You can’t drive their car—but you can keep yours steady on the road, modeling resilience, accountability, and faith that they will, in time, begin to drive their own.

*To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory. *