In both my personal and professional lives, I’m continually struck by just how much parents judge themselves. Harshly.

Constantly comparing themselves to other parents, comparing their kids to other kids; they just don’t measure up. Or so they think.

Teaching psychology, I understand where this comes from. It’s hard to live up to the messages, the fake but perfect examples on social media, and the like. Who wouldn’t feel like a failure when the standards are quite literally impossible?

I steadily teach developmental psychology, and I have good news: Parents, you can give yourself a break.

Immediate Bonding

“I never knew love until I had a child!” Okay, sure, but lots of people are, in fact, able to know love without having children. Don’t get me started on that one.

There’s this enduring myth that having a child means feeling indescribable love and connection within the first millisecond that the child is in your arms. And if you don’t feel it, there’s clearly something wrong with you.

Nope.

While many parents do indeed feel that intense emotional and biological connection to their new child, not everyone does, and developmental psychologists say that’s just fine. It’s okay if bonds take time to develop, and there are about a million and one factors that make every situation unique.

Does developmental psychology love bonding? Absolutely. Does it tell us that all is lost if it doesn’t happen right away? Not at all.

Secure Attachment

We talk about attachment so much in developmental psychology that a colleague once asked, “Hey, do you have any slides on attachment? I have to teach it again.”

Attachment is integral to healthy development, so we talk about it a lot. And for good reason. We want to make sure children have secure attachments because an insecure attachment, at worst, means a child can’t trust their caregiver, they may be experiencing neglect, and more.

The good news? Globally, we tend to find that the majority of attachments are secure. It’s not as bad as we usually think. And if it is bad, there are well-tested interventions ready to go.

All of my developmental psychology textbooks, every single one, always point out that attachment is a sustained developmental process. That means it takes time. This time-related pressure that parents face, a repeated theme, can go take a hike.

Development Is Approximate

That unrealistic time pressure just won’t leave parents alone. I can’t tell you how many parents I’ve worked with who were beside themselves because a friend’s child was walking or talking before their own child of the same age. What are they doing wrong, they ask me?

Nothing. They aren’t doing anything wrong.

Developmental psychology is clear that development is *approximate. *When you see something like a motor development milestone chart in our textbooks, the beginning and end of each milestone will be blurred. This indicates that the milestone could start earlier or happen later. When we’re given ages for milestones, there is always a range, and even then, that’s still limited.

• What Is Attachment?
• Take our Relationship Attachment Test
• Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

Children are different. They develop at different rates. Of course, keep track and talk to your pediatrician, but having an outlier isn’t a prescription for the end of the world.

Corrective Experiences

“But what if we really do mess up?” parents ask.

First of all, it’s trite to say, but no one is perfect. No parent is perfect.

Is that permission to just give up and do a bad job? Of course not. But it is a realistic and accountable approach to parenting. Even the most diligent and responsible parents will make mistakes at some point.

My favorite child psychologist, Dr. Ron Mossler, introduced me to the concept of corrective emotional experiences long ago. Simply put, even when we experience harm, we can have later experiences that help correct for it.

Attachment Essential Reads

Students tend to find this particularly comforting to apply to both themselves and their own children. If something bad does happen, there is hope for healing. All is not lost.

Perfection Is Not Normal

A perfect parent is not a normal parent. How exactly would we define “perfect,” anyway? Parenting norms and ideals differ based on culture, geographic location, economic conditions, time period, and so much more.

If a group of people were tasked with building a perfect parent, could they even do it? They might agree on some non-negotiable bad traits and behaviors to avoid, but I doubt they’d get very far otherwise.

Parents, please give yourselves a break. Strive to be a great parent, but know that you’ll miss the mark at times, and that’s okay. Developmental psychology has your back.

References

Early childhood attachment stability and change: a meta-analysis. Attachment & Human Development. 2021. J. E. Opie, et al.