Emotional regulation, especially for adults with ADHD, is not simply trying to avoid another conflict — it is recovering the parts of ourselves buried beneath years of reacting instead of understanding. When we dig with curiosity rather than judgment, we find not weakness but wisdom. Many times when you’re engaging in a compulsive habit, whether that be using alcohol or drugs or double checking if you locked your door five times, you may be avoiding a difficult emotion. There may be a deeper emotion that is unexpressed and may actually be very deep beneath many other thoughts, feelings, or behaviors.

Research shows that adults with ADHD have lower self-esteem than the general population. Difficulties in emotion regulation and self-esteem partially account for the relation between ADHD symptoms and procrastination in college students (Bodalski et al., 2023). This lack of confidence can impair relationships and willingness to take on opportunities. Some people may have been raised not to be proud of themselves due to common sayings such as “pride comes before a fall.” For those with ADHD, their self-esteem has usually taken a hit from failures and criticism due to being loud and noisy, interrupting others, and getting poor grades and behavior reports in school.

Another example of an emotion that may need excavating is sadness. Underneath anger, there can be sadness. It can be hard to access sadness because it is more subtle than forceful emotions. It requires a certain sort of stillness, whereas anger can be fueled through rigorous activity that can hide the more subtle feelings. Similarly, anxiety can be a feeling that hides beneath sadness. You can think of anxiety as feeling powerless in the face of some sort of a threat that feels too dangerous to bring into awareness. Sadness may cover the fear with a sense of loss that could be addressed through assertive action. This sequence can vary depending on a person’s comfort with specific emotions. Some people were raised to think anger is assertiveness, a way to get what you want. Others might find sadness too subtle to access if they constantly feel guilty and not deserving of comfort.

If there is anger underneath the anxiety, it might unleash energy to face the threat and recognize injustice or behavior in other people that you need to address through assertiveness. Following the anger may be cause for ending or attenuating a relationship, which may be a healthy step for setting boundaries.

You can also find great discoveries or treasures never before known to exist. Sometimes you find love under hatred and hatred under love. Most relationships have elements of ambivalence; every person has admirable traits and negative traits. We don’t find perfectly good or perfectly bad people.

Just as digging at an archeological site can uncover history never known before and change your world view, so too can you find valuable buried emotions that change the trajectory of your life. Thinking about your emotions as being on the surface and digging for deeper emotions can clarify nagging issues from the past that you are projecting on the present.

Why Emotional Digging Matters — Especially in ADHD

Adults with ADHD may press the button to fast-forward their emotions. They move quickly, react quickly, feel intensely, and often judge themselves immediately for having uncomfortable feelings. Emotional dysregulation is now recognized as a core challenge for many people with ADHD. Rushing past emotions is like discovering a shard of pottery and never asking what ancient city it belonged to. When we slow down enough to excavate rather than react, we find meaning. And meaning fuels mastery.

• What Is ADHD?
• Take our ADHD Test
• Find a therapist to help with ADHD

References

Oliver Hirsch, Mira Lynn Chavanon, Elke Riechmann, Hanna Christiansen, Emotional dysregulation is a primary symptom in adult Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Journal of Affective Disorders, Volume 232, 2018, Pages 41-47, ISSN 0165-0327, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2018.02.007.