Due to the physical and emotional proximity characteristic of intimate relationships, breakdowns related to unmet needs and misunderstandings are inevitable. Most couples will employ tactics and coping mechanisms that reflect what they learned in their families of origin. Some of these more dysfunctional strategies include avoidance, domination, blame, accusations, psychological analysis, and lecturing. The most distressing maneuver is passive aggression, which is employed unconsciously and consists of withdrawal, sarcasm, deferring responsibility, extended silence, withholding valuable information, forgetting about agreements, taking no ownership of mistakes, and gaslighting.

Couples often hold the naïve belief that love will be all that is needed to address any problem that may arise. And with enough love, maybe there will be no problems. There are several reasons why love isn’t enough. First, unresolved childhood issues stemming from some measure of abuse or neglect naturally surface in a committed relationship. Secondly, our capacity to cope effectively with different views and preferences is compromised under stress. Thirdly, when the idealization of our partners begins to wane, we’re faced with how to handle the real person. The partner’s shortcomings, developmental edges, and idiosyncrasies begin to become blatantly obvious.

Radical Accountability

Radical accountability is a comprehensive portrayal of our behavior and attitude. It sends the message to our partners, “I will take ownership for my contributions to our breakdowns.” Above all, it is a way to get right with ourselves. Such a commitment has us growing with a deep acceptance of our strengths and what is asking for more personal development. The tension in a breakdown may be a simple as eliciting a condescending gaze. Let’s take a look at the ingredients of being radically accountable.

The Steps

Addressing shame. It is almost impossible to even say, “I’m sorry,” if we carry toxic shame, never mind being radically accountable. Hence, it is crucial to address the shame that may be preventing you from taking greater accountability.

Breathing. Deepen your awareness of your breath in any given moment. Holding your breath diminishes oxygen intake, which creates tension.

Be internally referenced. This is often referred to as being individually attuned. It is the ability to track what is happening in our interior worlds. Specifically, emotions, internal sensations such as tightness in the chest, pulsations over the eye, and shallow breathing. Additionally, the stories we carry about ourselves, others, or life in general. The more we understand what we are bringing to a breakdown, the more options we have to address a problem, especially if we have an unmet need.

Practice using ‘I- messages’. This means we are using the pronoun ‘I’ rather than ‘You’. When we employ you-messages, the listener hears us defining them and taking away their opportunity to create their own meaning of their decisions and choices. A couple of examples might be “You said…,” “You don’t…,” and “You forgot…” As opposed to “I heard you say…,” “I would appreciate it if you would consider…” and “I’m not sure you remembered…” I-messages communicate my experience while offering the other person an opportunity to have a different one.

Manage tension. Breakdowns inevitably involve a measure of tension, which typically prompts us to react rather than respond. Working with tension means noticing where the energy of the tension sits in your body, such as your stomach, chest, or throat. Breathe into the area of tension and notice if it begins to subside. If not, let your partner know you’re carrying too much tension, preventing you from being accountable during the exchange, and take a break. Don’t completely withdraw; 10 or 15 minutes is enough time.

• Why Relationships Matter
• Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship?
• Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

Forgiveness. Commit to forgiving yourself for any nonproductive contribution you made to the breakdown. And forgive your partner for whatever they said that may not have been helpful. Also, express appreciation to your partner anytime you witness them being radically accountable.

Being radically accountable involves new ways to be with ourselves and with those we love. It is also about letting go of patterns of relating that are not capable of supporting the ever-deepening nature of emotional intimacy. We are asked to be in the apprenticeship of emotional intimacy guided by radical accountability. It calls for both curiosity and courage as we leave the comfort of the familiar and dare to embark upon an intimate adventure. When couples mutually commit to radical accountability, they can adopt any model of conflict resolution with ease.