Loving yourself, really?

I distinctly remember early in my work as a therapist, a colleague of mine talking about the significance of “loving oneself.” While I didn’t say it out loud, I internally questioned the meaning behind the phrase as well as its value. I flippantly thought, “Honestly, what does that even mean? Love yourself? I’m totally good with the term ‘liking oneself,’ but ‘loving oneself?’”

I certainly had heard the term before, but it just never sat well with me; it didn’t fit my internal framework. Initially, it seemed a bit too soft, selfish, even somewhat narcissistic. However, over time, I gradually began to reconsider my perspective. Instead of approaching the idea of loving oneself through a negative, self-centered lens, I had a new thought—a reframe.

One of the areas I enjoy working with clients as a psychotherapist is their relationship with themselves. I dedicate a significant amount of time to discussing topics like anxiety, depression, addiction, trauma, relationships, conflict resolution, communication, and more. However, I always find the topic of building a stronger self-relationship particularly rewarding.

Over the years, many clients I’ve worked with struggle with losing themselves in their relationships, people-pleasing, conflict avoidance, addiction, and other behaviors that don’t honor their self in a healthy way. At the core of each of these issues inevitably lies a poor relationship with the self. *Take a moment to reflect on this question: What’s your relationship with yourself like? *Keep in mind, if your self-talk is positive, your boundaries are firm, you can assert yourself effectively, and you make choices that benefit you. Then you’re engaging in behavior that honors and strengthens your self-relationship.

A new paradigm emerges

Instead of viewing “loving oneself” through a critical lens, I consider it from a proactive perspective. Meaning, I ask myself this question, “Am I loving myself well? Are the choices I make each day, how I spend my time, who I put in my life, what I focus my mind on, how I take care of my body and my soul…are those in alignment with ‘loving myself well’?”

Take a moment and reflect on your own life. Are you proactively, intentionally loving yourself well? Are you doing behaviors that value you, support you, and nurture your mind, body, and soul? Are you choosing relationships that are in your best interest? Do you say no, or does your “yes” neglect health needs and boundaries? Do your words, actions, and behaviors align with your healthy values? If not, it might be time to take steps to change and cultivate a healthier relationship with yourself.

Sarah

Take, for example, Sarah* (name has been changed to protect confidentiality), who *came into my office a few years back, struggling with a recent break-up. As her story unfolded, it became evident that she had spent most of her life trying to find herself in others and living in fear of losing her relationships. Consequently, she would give up herself in her friendships and dating relationships, and was acting out with overeating, chronic spending, distraction behaviors, and alcohol abuse. Additionally, she was living with significant anxiety and spoke of experiencing episodes of depression on and off since she was a teenager.

• What Does “Self Help” Mean?
• Take our Self-Esteem Test
• Find a therapist near me

During one session, I posed the question to her: “Tell me about your relationship with yourself?” She certainly had heard of the concept, but she was curious about what meaning I was giving it. I shared a few key aspects of cultivating a strong self-relationship, including self-care, listening to your body and emotions, nurturing your spirituality, establishing healthy boundaries, practicing meditation, and getting clear on healthy values.

Over the subsequent months, Sarah began taking proactive steps to confront her fears and implement strategies to build a more robust and nurturing self-relationship. She started activating the supportive and nurturing internal parent within herself, embracing self-value and self-compassion.

Practical steps

When we engage in behaviors that align with our values and proactively love ourselves well, it builds a more solid sense of self, improves self-esteem, increases a feeling of groundedness, decreases anxiety, and brings us more peace. These are not merely words and phrases I’ve used here; the evidence lies in my personal experiences and the observations I’ve made over 25 years of working with clients.

If you struggle with loving yourself well, consider these steps.

Self-care focused on your body:

• Limit or abstain from alcohol and other addictive substances
• Drink enough water
• Healthy eating
• Daily exercise
• Maintain a healthy sleep schedule

Self-care focused on your mind and emotions:

• See a psychotherapist
• Reduce time on social media
• Get clear on your values and develop behavior that is congruent with them
• Increase self-trust by making and keeping promises to yourself
• Practice self-compassion (replacing judgment with curiosity)
• Practice gratitude
• Train your mind to manage your inner critic
• Practice healthy boundaries
• Practice acceptance of emotions, while balancing clear thinking
• Have consistent emotion check-ins with your feelings, desires, wants, and needs

Self-care focused on your soul and spirituality:

• Engage in creative activities
• Spend time in nature
• Reading
• Practice meditation (I personally practice Contemplative Meditation, Centering Prayer, and Lectio Divina)
• Engage in daily spiritual practices