Parents who come to see me are often concerned that they’re raising an entitled child. They are demanding of all things and all attention. They can’t take no for an answer. It’s a real concern.

As I guide parents through the detective work in finding the root cause of the unwanted behavior, almost always the key culprit is a lack of limits. The kids who need limits the most are those who make it hardest for their parents to set. These limits can set off reactions: “It’s your sister’s turn to sit next to me at dinner.” “We’re not going to a restaurant for dinner, we’re eating at home.” “You can’t stay up later than your brother. Bedtime for all kids is 8 p.m.” The backlash is so big and triggering that parents find themselves caving. Or, they get drawn into a heated power struggle that is also reinforcing to the child who is syphoning all the attention in the family.

This story from the trenches provides a roadmap for how to set limits with a demanding child in the service of giving them the greatest gift: learning to manage when they can’t have what they want, and to respect that other people’s needs and feelings are important, too.

The Problem

Roberta shared: “I’m so afraid I’m raising an entitled child, and I don’t know what to do. Here’s a good example: I was trying to have a very important call with my very ill father’s caregivers. Maeve followed me when I tried to find a quiet place to do the call. After pleading, even bribing her to give me space, I totally lost it. I was shouting at her for being so selfish and spoiled. She demands all my attention all the time. She’s old enough to entertain herself for a few minutes. And it worries me that she seems to have no respect for the fact that I have other things to do besides respond to her every need. This just can’t be healthy.”

The Mindshifts

Behind every interruption is a brain still learning patience and perspective.

My child is a great kid who needs the chance to learn to manage when she can’t have her way, and to respect other people’s needs and feelings. The limits I set to teach these important skills are loving, even when she makes me feel like I’m harming her.

The Plan

The plan always starts with asking the most foundational question: “What do I control and not control in this situation?”

Why? Trying to control your child—by nagging, bribing, threatening, using logic—puts all the power in their hands to decide if they will or will not follow an important direction or respect a limit. If they aren’t cowed by the threat or intrigued by the reward, and decide not to change their behavior (in this case, giving her mom space to do an important call), the limit isn’t set, and no lesson is learned.

In this situation, Roberta can’t control Maeve; she can’t force her to stop interrupting and give her space. That’s something only Maeve can decide to do or not do. We are not going to go down that rabbit hole. Not to mention that this is exactly what Roberta had been doing, which hadn’t worked and only led to protracted power struggles.

What Roberta controls is the situation by how she responds and the boundaries she implements. She stopped trying to convince Maeve to respect this boundary and instead offered these two choices:

Option 1: They can set Maeve up with some quiet activities to occupy her while mom is on the call. If she can withhold the interruptions, she can stay in the room while Mom does her call.

Option 2: Maeve continues to interrupt, in which case mom will set her up in a safe space, with a boundary that ensures that mom can do her call. This is not punishment: “You’ll go to your room and stay there until my call is done! I won’t have this anymore!” Instead: “I see you’re having a hard time not interrupting, so I will be a helper and take you to your safe space where you can play until my call is done.”

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The Outcome

Maeve chose Option 1, but alas, could not stop interrupting. Roberta helped her to the safe space and had her 7-minute call. Maeve shouted and banged on the door the entire time, which Roberta ignored. After the call, Roberta opened Maeve’s door and, with a big smile, she said, “Great job waiting! I can’t wait to hear everything you wanted to tell me now that my call is done.”

The goal was to show Maeve that Roberta could tolerate her upset. Up to this point, Maeve had learned that she could get her mom to drop a limit if Maeve made her feel bad about it by accusing mom of being mean or harming Maeve in some way by not meeting her immediate need.

We also wanted to applaud and reinforce her ability to wait. Even if she was angry and protesting the whole time, the fact is that she survived what she thought was unsurvivable: not getting her mom’s attention 24/7.

This new approach has been life-changing for Maeve and Roberta. Building this muscle of tolerating Maeve’s upset has led to her setting limits in other ways: not letting her always be the decider of what playground they go to or what game they play to ensure her siblings also get to choose; reading her the same numberof books the other kids get, not extending bedtime because she demands it; and, letting her melt down at the store when she can’t get the monster Lego set she wants.

And that’s how you avoid raising an entitled child.