Cleanliness is next to Godzillaness
Image credit: Mythwright
Marshal, if my hastily scribbled, made-up blackboard equations are correct, we should witness a double event within the next year or two. No, not a double kaiju event. A double kaiju clean-up event. Somewhat to my surprise, job sims in which you dismember dead Godzillas are a thing, now. And by thing I mean that there are at least two of them on the way.
It’s going to be a battle for the ages. Alien vs janitor: whoever wins, we… get to walk around outside without stepping on in puddles of Mothra bile. Please, sir, join me next to this second blackboard full of hastily scribbled, made-up equations while I slap them haphazardly with a cane and shower everybody in spittle.
On the left here we have Kaiju Cleanup from Brig…
Cleanliness is next to Godzillaness
Image credit: Mythwright
Marshal, if my hastily scribbled, made-up blackboard equations are correct, we should witness a double event within the next year or two. No, not a double kaiju event. A double kaiju clean-up event. Somewhat to my surprise, job sims in which you dismember dead Godzillas are a thing, now. And by thing I mean that there are at least two of them on the way.
It’s going to be a battle for the ages. Alien vs janitor: whoever wins, we… get to walk around outside without stepping on in puddles of Mothra bile. Please, sir, join me next to this second blackboard full of hastily scribbled, made-up equations while I slap them haphazardly with a cane and shower everybody in spittle.
On the left here we have Kaiju Cleanup from Brightrock Games and publishers Mythwright. As you can see from the Steam page, Marshall, it’s a satirical fantasy in which you are play a clone butcher, carving up monsters and disposing of their radioactive, acidic or explosive wibbly bits using claws, hoovers, sprays and energy beams. Complete missions and you’ll get the means to upgrade your equipment and customise your base, van, and outfit. Fail and you’ll have to mop up your own corpse.
Along the way, there’s the chance to investigate the origins of the kaiju by collecting audio logs, consulting your codex, speaking to colleagues, and sifting nuggets of total truth from totally truthful radio station InfoBlast. Let us watch the trailer, Marshal. Please pull that lever on the left there. No, not my left - oh god. Never mind, I’ll fix it later. Here, permit me.
By itself, Marshal, the existence of Kaiju Cleanup would be a severe but manageable crisis, perfectly within the scope of a single news article. But Marshal, if this print-out I’m waving rapidly before your face isn’t just a random Tescos receipt I’ve swiped from the trash, the creatures are multiplying.
Please kindly join me next this third blackboard covered in hastily scribbled, made-up equations, while I pop my monocle and furiously fan myself with a pocket handkerchief. Do you see this arcane chalk diagram? It’s actually the URL for the Steam page for Kaiju Cleaner Simulator, which, if you can believe it, Marshal, is also a game about cleaning up dead kaiju.
In the interests of time – no time, no time! – I will focus on what it does differently to Kaiju Cleanup. Firstly, it’s got co-op for up to four. Secondly, it seems both more slapstick and a little more gruesome. You can slice through layers of Rodan offal with actual chainsaws, and kick King Ghidorah hearts around like this is something a normal, well-adjusted person would do.
This one seems to be more about Top Larks with the Boyz than satire, and they’re making a very big deal in the marketing materials of it not having any generative AI. Do you see that large scarlet red button labelled “Trailer” in front of you, Marshal? Press it please. NO, not the crimson one. No, not the cerise one either. Never mind, I can reach it with my cane.
One kaiju clean-up game, Marshall, may be regarded as a novelty; two looks like a subgenre. I can only speculate as to the causes. Possibly this is all displaced guilt about factory farms. Possibly a couple of sleepless designers watched Kaiju No. 8 at approximately the same time. Possibly this is just the usual creative mitosis where somebody works out that one toolset (cleaning sims) can fit a multitude of subject matters. Possibly it’s just an accident. I hate those.
Regardless, we can only hope that the two kaiju cleaning games pour their energies into defeating each other and leave the rest of us unscathed. We can only hope that they don’t learn to work together. Oh great Scott! Please don’t let them do a collaboration with the already existing Co-op Kaiju Horror Cooking.