The Temporary Foreign Worker (TFW) Program allows Canadian employers to hire foreign workers to fill temporary jobs when qualified Canadians are not available, and that’s why it is completely uncontroversial and nobody has any issues with it. Still, we wanted to get to the bottom of whether this program is truly working for Canadians, so we asked the people most impacted – four different guys who all own Tim Hortons franchises, and one absolutely terrible landlord.

BRENT HARBOUR, 46 I own several Timmie’s franchises in Southern Ontario, and I can confirm that Canadians just aren’t willing to work for the absolute dogshit wages that I pay. Maybe if I paid wages that corresponded to the actual cost of living, then I’d have to hire Canadians, but luckily the last 3 federal governments have had my back on this. Two thumbs up on the TFW program from me!

MAXWELL CRUTCH, 72 I wish I could employ Canadians, but they keep asking for things like “benefits” and “bathroom breaks”. What else can I possibly do but import dozens of minimum wage employees from halfway across the world and make it absolutely clear that their place in this country is wholly dependent on my whims as their employer? If it’s good enough for Dubai, then it’s good enough for me.

VINCENT PODRAMSKI, 42 The TFW program is working great, though I’m sure gonna miss all of the international “students” the Provincial government lured over here to plug gaps in post secondary funding. Sure, Canadian unemployment is through the roof and student jobs have all but disappeared, but the person who has it the hardest is definitely me, having to get one of these new Labour Market Impact Assessments to prove that I need to hire TFWs. Do you know how many forms I need to get rubber stamped before I immediately get my way? One! And that is one too many.

ALBERT MACKENZIE, 53 If Canadians don’t like the TFW program, they’re free to hire high priced lobbyists to petition Immigration, Refugees and Citizenship Canada, as well as their local MPs and MPPs, to rewrote the TFW laws in their favour. That’s what Tim Hortons did, via its parent conglomerate, Restaurant Brands International, a subsidiary of Union Carbide Corporation. Pull yourselves up by your bootstraps, people!

MARCUS VERNER, 60 I have a very different perspective on the TFW program, considering my place in the community as a noted slumlord. My perspective is… that’s it’s fantastic! I know this program was expressly designed to suppress wages and pad corporate bottom lines, but it’s also been a huge boon to us purveyors of subhuman housing. How else would I be able to rent a 2 bedroom basement unit to be shared by 12 workers? In fact, I’m closing a deal to buy one of Vincent’s Tim Hortons locations, so then I’ll be able to shuttle my assets – I mean, tenants – back and forth to work so they are making me money literally 24 hours a day.