ROLL UP! ROLL UP!

Sigh. Look, we know Anthony Barry doesn’t like us calling it the international break – and as Watson to Thomas Tuchel’s scrupulous, problem-solving Sherlock, we’re not about to argue with him. But actual football is thin on the ground, beyond Phil Neville’s Portland Timbers getting bounced out of the MLS Cup playoffs by San Diego. “It wasn’t about a system or tactic, it was the mentality,” crowed Neville after his team’s high line was pillaged in a 4-0 defeat. Beyond that, there are some lads in the park adjacent to Football Daily Towers doing keepy-uppies, but that’s about it. So instead, it’s time to speculate. With several managerial seats empty heading into the international break (sorry, Anthony), it’s time to fire up the Football Daily Analytics Machine and try to predict the future.

We’ll start at Wolves, where Rob Edwards is poised to take over in a very small step up from Middlesbrough, second in the Championship. Coincidentally, that’s where we predict Edwards’ Wolves will be in a year’s time. As for Boro, the FDAM foresees a fashionable throwback appointment – and with Gareth Southgate and Steve McClaren ignoring their calls, Bryan Robson is handed the interim gig. And yes, he’ll even reprise the suit and shorts combo for his unveiling. Where will they finish? Let’s say seventh. Meanwhile, with his love of pilsner and penchant for rescuing forlorn wolves, Ivan Pereira looks a good fit for Bundesliga strugglers Wolfsburg.

Brendan Rodgers seems to be on pretty much every shortlist going but might just fancy a return to Swansea, where Alan Sheehan has just been rolled through the door marked Gwnah Un. A failed playoff push and mutterings about board investment await. Southampton have won two games under interim manager Tonda Eckert, but are still linked with former failures Russell Martin and Ivan Juric, both of whom have crashed and burned through high-profile jobs since leaving St Mary’s. Our trusty machine predicts that Southampton will go in a different direction, instead appointing Pompey legend Gary O’Neil, who will quickly be chased down the M27 by irate fans.

With Juric’s recent luck, we might expect the Croatian to land next in Naples for when Antonio Conte next loses the plot. But what of Martin? Well, our data suggests that he might rock up at Norwich City, because A: he played almost 300 games for them, and B: the nearby Norfolk Broads offer a wide range of boating, orienteering and other team-building exercises more galvanising than a half-time speech from Delia Smith. We’re backing Martin to lead the Canaries back to mid-table obscurity. Look, it’s either him or O’Neil.

About the only shortlist po’ Gaz doesn’t seem to be on is Celtic’s, which is eclectic to say the least. Bodø/Glimt mastermind Kjetil Knutsen, Columbus Crew manager Wilfried Nancy (no, us neither) and former player Craig Bellamy are all on there, but unfortunately our algorithm will not accept a future where Martin O’Neill – who has already delivered a heap of soundbites, rocked a retro trackie top and zoned out spectacularly at a presser – isn’t given the permanent job. With him at the helm, we’ll boldly predict that Celtic can pick up some silverware this season.

We’d stop there but we don’t know how to turn off the machine, so here’s a peek into Plymouth Argyle’s future. After the Wayne Rooney saga, Argyle turned to Tom Cleverley this summer, and he has led them to rock bottom of League One. With Cleverley running out of time and with Derek Adams back as director of football, we can see a third former Manchester United player coming to the rescue. After all, Neville will probably be available soon, and he looks good in dark green. Phew, we’ve come full circle. Turn it off at the plug! Let’s get out of here. Lads, fancy a game of headers and volleys? Lads? Lads?!

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE

Join Yara El-Shaboury at 8pm GMT for updates on St Pölten 0-2 Chelsea in Women’s Bigger Cup.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Soon for me means in 10 years … no, I’m joking. I’m really enjoying the moment right now. As you know, in football, when you reach [78], you count the months very quick. I feel very good in this moment. I score goals, I still feel quick and sharp. I’m enjoying my game in the national team. But of course, let’s be honest. What I mean by soon is probably one or two years” – an aging stalwart of the game trying and failing to inject humour into a dull international fortnight? Cristiano Ronaldo may have more in common with Football Daily than we ever thought. Yikes!

‘A man walks into a bar …’ Photograph: Valéry Hache/AFP/Getty Images

RECOMMENDED LISTENING

Wrap your ears around the latest episodes of both Football Weekly – in which Robyn Cowen, Nicky Bandini, Philippe Auclair, Paul Watson and Sid Lowe discuss Real Madrid’s rocky week – and Women’s Football Weekly, with Faye Carruthers, Marva Kreel and Tim Stillman dissecting a dramatic WSL weekend that included high drama at the Emirates.

FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS

Regarding the Jaws analogy in yesterday’s Football Daily, notwithstanding that there were a couple of dubious sequels, please remind me again, what happened to said shark at the end of the film?” – David Parsons.

Mikel Arteta, Pep Guardiola, Ruben Amorim and now Arne Slot have had their heads called for after a few losses in a row in the past year. A month ago Amorim was toast in the eyes of many. Last week he picked up the Premier League manager of the month award. Meanwhile, the local Teflon man, Eddie Howe, manager of the wealthiest club on the planet, winless away in over six months, lying just above the relegation zone, floats miraculously above the flak” – John Weldon.

Kieffer Moore has many talents (yesterday’s Quote of the Day) not least his passing from midfield. His best, certainly, was the peach, to Sunderland’s Tommy Watson to score the last-minute winner in the recent playoff final. His best as viewed from this half of Sheffield, at least” – Al Williams.

I was one of the hardy souls to attend the Canadian Premier League final on Sunday in a very snowy Ottawa (yesterday’s Ice, Ice, Baby section, full email edition). It was probably the most remarkable match I have been to. Although the football on show was of dubious quality (mainly, but not only, due to the weather) there were some incredible Canadian scenes on display, including the home keeper helping clear the mounting snow with his own shovel (while probably apologising to the ground staff that his 18-yard box was so untidy). But I particularly enjoyed watching the home supporters in front of me making and stockpiling snowballs during play, and then unleashing their arsenal on to the away team gathered around the manager during breaks of play. This league has often struggled for its own identity in a crowded football landscape, but I think they’ve now finally found it. Shame the Geopolitics World Cup will be played during the summer months” – Ian Potter.

A reminder. Photograph: Spencer Colby/AP

Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … Ian Potter. Terms and conditions for our competitions, when we run them, can be viewed here.

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Here’s David Squires on … Fifa’s peace prize and Donald Trump’s eligibility.

Sheesh. Illustration: David Squires/The Guardian