(SNAP voucher in Arizona)

Stephanie boarded a city bus Monday morning to make the 90 minute trek from one end of Mesa, Arizona to the other. It was a long journey just for groceries, but they didn’t see any other choice: They’re a current recipient of SNAP benefits, and because the Trump administration has refused to fund the essential food program during the government shutdown, they were willing to travel wherever necessary to access fresh fruits and vegetables. A few farmers markets were participating in a program called Food Bucks, and for $30 she was able to stock up for now. “So even if it’s stressful to navigate and took all morning, I’m grateful for it,” Stephanie said. “But it shouldn’t have to be like this, of course.”

In the past couple of weeks, Americans have become acutely aware of the fate of the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) as their neighbors face hunger. Funding officially lapsed November 1st, and in response to two separate court orders, the administration said Monday it would provide partial November benefits. On Thursday one of the judges ordered them to pay in full. Friday morning the administration appealed the decision in an attempt to halt payments, but a USDA memo sent out Friday afternoon indicated federal payments were coming. As of this publication, they hadn’t come through. And recipients in states like Oregon, Wisconsin, California and more woke up on Friday to their full November benefits thanks to state funding.

But this short-term good news for some (and potentially all) SNAP recipients doesn’t erase the mental toll of the past few weeks. Beneath the jargon and negotiating and court proceedings is the human right to eat—and the people who are having that right threatened. I spoke to 20+ SNAP recipients in 16 different states and DC—many of them disabled, unemployed or unable to work, some with children or grandchildren to feed, all doing the very best they can under enormous mental strain—about what the last two weeks have been like with their ability to eat being used as part of a political game.

Celestina sent me a photo of a stew she made on Monday for her and her 12-year-old son using various leftovers and items she found in her freezer as she waited to see whether SNAP benefits would come this month. The two of them live in Kansas, and Celestina, 45, works two part-time jobs with the local school district to support them. But her total income isn’t enough to cover groceries every month, and the $546 they typically receive is essential to staying nourished.

“You have to look at all the sales before going to the store, plan out what you need,” Celestina told me. “I have a steady list of some things I always keep around as staples.” That list is often more complex than the average person’s because of multiple serious food allergies. She often needs specific foods or brands, and if those aren’t part of a sale, that makes it even more difficult to keep the grocery bill low.

Despite this unnerving government-caused uncertainty, Celestina worked at her local polling place on Election Day. By Friday she’d thankfully received her full benefits for the month. “Knowing this is just smoke and mirrors and just a political pawn, I’m mad,” Celestina said, adding “I’m also relieved.”

Congressional Republicans led by Speaker Mike Johnson have made excuses for weeks as to why they continue to keep the government closed, especially with essential programs like SNAP defunded. While that should be an impetus for them to make a deal with Democrats, the fact remains that even without their assistance, emergency funds have been readily available to fully fund SNAP for November. But the Trump administration has fought back against releasing them at every turn.

“I can’t look at them smiling and lying to us while they hold us all for ransom,” Lorenna of West Virginia, 54, said of the Republicans. “It really is like that—like they kidnapped us until they get their payout.”

Lorenna is disabled and receives $107 from SNAP monthly. Her 87-year-old mother is enrolled in the program, too. “Those of us on SNAP live on strict budgets,” she explained. “There isn’t wiggle room.”

Mel Buer is a labor journalist based in Los Angeles who publishes the newsletter Words About Work. She moved back there earlier this year from Chicago when she was laid off from her staff writer job and signed up for SNAP so she’d be able to afford rent while trying to generate enough freelance income to get by. She called the program a lifeline for her and a number of friends, all of whom work full-time.

“I would be sunk,” Buer said of the possibility of needing to find an extra $200-400 per month for groceries, “and frankly, I’m on the very razor’s edge of homelessness.” She feels fortunate that she only has herself to feed and that her student loans are currently in forbearance.

Californians on SNAP have begun to receive 100% of their November benefits. Buer’s don’t typically hit until the 9th of the month, so she hopes to see hers come through then. “The fact that this very basic fundamental human right of being able to feed yourself adequately is being used as a cudgel by this administration in order to play a political game makes me so angry,” she said.

Jordan has been on SNAP since 2009. He’s been unable to work for several years now because of major depression, and said he’s fortunate to have Section 8 housing where he lives in Utah, “otherwise I would likely be on the street or dead by now.” Jordan, 42, spent the end of October in a state of extreme anxiety and spent what was left on his EBT card to stock up for November since it was uncertain whether remaining funds would be accessible once new funding was cut off.

“I would MUCH rather be working and not dependant on SNAP to barely get by each month,” he told me. “Many people on SNAP are disabled, many others are working and just not being paid a living wage and need SNAP to supplement their income. I just wish more people right of center understood the reality of life for people that have to rely on this program to survive.”

Nikole is the single mother of four in New Mexico and relies on SNAP to keep her family fed. She said her oldest kid who is 15 has been worrying right along with her.

“The past few weeks we’ve been anticipating not getting anything and I can tell it’s on her mind,” Nikole said. “When we were shopping, she wouldn’t pick out things for herself like she normally would. A 15 year old’s logic I guess, trying to help the family by eating less. She’s worried about the little ones. I’ve had to reassure her I will find every resource available to make sure they don’t go without.”

She’s been on SNAP since her oldest was born, allowing her to leave a cycle of financial abuse that she said her kids’ father had trapped her in. Now she’s had to face the possibility of not receiving the $965 per month they all rely on to eat. “I deal with the stress of not knowing what will happen next by shoving it down and putting on a strong face for the kids,” she told me.

In Georgia, Tabby worries about the possibility of a bare cupboard for her and her daughter. In the last week of October she spent her remaining SNAP benefits on shelf-stable food items to ensure they wouldn’t go without. “We’ll be eating a lot of rice and beans and lentil curry with very little fruit or vegetables,” she said. “I did get some frozen veggies but I don’t have a huge freezer or anything.” As of Friday afternoon she had not received any SNAP funds or communication from the state about the latest.

On Friday I’d heard rumblings that Washington state SNAP beneficiaries had received 100% of their November benefits, so I emailed Ellie—a 64-year-old recipient there who I’d spoken to earlier in the week—and asked if she’d checked her EBT account. A few minutes later replied “OMG YES IT’S THERE!!” I was over the moon for her and everyone else who got partial or full benefits that day. But I was also all too aware that as long as the government shutdown persists, Ellie and millions like her could go through this cycle of terror yet again next month.

“I didn’t exactly panic, but here’s what was going through my head,” Liz in Wisconsin, 43, who receives SNAP benefits for her and her adult daughter explained. “We have to eat. This money will not last. They are taking away funds they already provided. I don’t even know exactly who ‘they’ are. What happens in December? What about January? Do I have to make this food last all winter?”

Though it seems November payments will come through soon for the millions who rely on SNAP, so much uncertainty remains. For the sake of the grandmother caring for her three grandkids, Jodi (a mother of six), Ilya, Vee, DM, Angie, Cami, Rob, Melisa, Allie, Heather and everyone who was generous enough to speak with me for this story, I hope there’s more certainty on the horizon.