Is Premarital Counseling Worth the Time?

Key points

Premarital counseling can prepare couples for challenges that will test their commitment.
Premarital counseling can teach couples how to communicate effectively and what to discuss.
Early counseling can help prevent long-term resentment in relationships.

Key points

Premarital counseling can prepare couples for challenges that will test their commitment.
Premarital counseling can teach couples how to communicate effectively and what to discuss.
Early counseling can help prevent long-term resentment in relationships.

At its core, premarital counseling is meant to prepare you and your partner for all the challenges that will test your commitment to one another. It’s important to explore topics such as finances, family size, and how to manage in-laws before marriage, but we also need to recognize that the plan decided before marriage may not always apply in 5, 10, or 20 years. Premarital counseling can potentially teach you *how *to communicate effectively and *what *you need to discuss. An understanding of what you each want in the beginning is important, but communicating effectively in response to unexpected change is going to be vital to the long-term relationship.

Research specifically about the impact of premarital counseling is lacking, and much of what has been published has a niche sample or relies on self-report measures. In my clinical experience, I cannot count the number of times I’ve heard, “We should have talked about this before we got married,” or “I didn’t realize you felt so strongly about this.” The first is a failure to discuss certain topics (failure to identify *what *you need to talk about), and the second is a failure to communicate intensity (or problems with *how *you communicate).

A majority of premarital counseling is provided by a couple’s religious community or officiant. I generally recommend taking advantage of whatever is offered. However, using these services may not be the best option in a few circumstances. It should go without saying that you do not want an officiant who is also a family member to provide premarital counseling. The dynamics of a family member’s involvement may unintentionally lead to over-filtering responses, which in turn reduces much-needed vulnerability. Also, if neither you nor your future spouse is particularly religious, you may prefer premarital counseling without the influence of theology.

If either of the two situations mentioned above applies to you and you still want some form of premarital counseling, there is good news. Most couples therapists would be able to help you. I also would go so far as to say most of us would find it refreshing to work with couples before problems become entrenched. It is often easier to influence communication patterns when there is goodwill and excitement about the future rather than having to address years of resentment and failure to repair. I love being able to share the most important do’s and don’ts of behavior and communication that predict long-term relationship satisfaction. If you provide consent, a therapist can also write a short letter confirming that you are receiving premarital counseling services to your officiant in those cases where it is required.

What I hope you take away is this: If you are offered premarital counseling, take advantage of it; it is worth the time. It is an investment in what will hopefully be a long and happy relationship. If commitment but not necessarily marriage is your path, you can still reach out to a couples therapist to support your relationship. Set up a strong foundation because it will always be less painful, less time-consuming, and less expensive to take a preventive approach.

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