Sometimes we stay in a painful relationship even though we have the power to change or exit it. In childhood, we may have been victims of pain; in adulthood, we may become volunteers for pain. For instance, we might remain in an untenable relationship at home or work, or we keep procrastinating about moving on with our own life. We might maintain this stance because we are holding onto a self-defeating belief in powerlessness.

We might also be operating on the basis of an unconscious agenda. We might be finding personal advantage in our pain. This is called a “secondary gain” because we are benefiting from what is primarily negative. However, the “benefit” is ultimately not in our best interest.

We can ask: “What am I up to?” The answer will usually be fear-based. We may find out that we have a fear of getting on with life as full-fledged adults. For instance, as long as we believe we are “unworthy,” we don’t have to do all we can to create a life that fosters our growth in self-esteem. “I am not good enough” is the slogan of a life that evades the challenges that can help us grow to our full human stature. Instead, we hold ourselves back, freeze-frame, stay stuck. This is confusing—and depressing—to our psyche. We are contradicting our central human inclination to evolve, to step lively on life’s journey.

The temptation for our family and friends is to make suggestions about how to change things for the better. We might then respond with “Yes…buts.” We might also hear recommendations about how to build our self-confidence. Both of these skip a crucial step. Our healing work begins with exploring the gain dimension of our behavior or thought pattern. What makes it safer to be stuck than to get on with life?

It helps to look into any self-negating messages from the past that are still posted on the walls of our body-heart-minds, messages we are still obeying. Such messages might even become the vocabulary of our own inner critic, that is, our self-incriminating, fear-based, shame-triggered voice.

As a psychological practice, recall a negative message from your inner critic. Notice how it points a finger of judgment at you, leading you to a sense of shame and powerlessness to do anything about it. List as many negative messages as you can in a journal. Beside each one, add a positive statement. You can trust your higher self, the most powerful alternative voice to that of the inner critic, to present the positive side.

Here are examples of combining the negating and health-affirming statements. The first sentence is from the inner critic. The second sentence is from the higher self or higher power:

You don’t know anything really.... Like all humans, you are sometimes lacking in knowledge. I give you the gift of wisdom.

You will never be as good as the people you admire.... Like all humans, you do not always match others in skill, but you are equal to everyone as a fellow human. I keep giving you unique gifts, too, and I help you notice them now.

You are a weakling.... Like all humans, you are sometimes strong, sometimes weak. I give you the gift of fortitude and the grace to show it here and now.

You are worthless.... Like all humans, you may sometimes feel worthless or unworthy. I value you immensely. I need your voice in the world, and it will be mine.

You are alone because no one really likes you.... All humans are liked by some people and disliked by others. I am always with you, and I hold you lovingly in my spacious heart.

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Make a commitment to yourself that from now on, any statement from the inner critic will be followed by one from a higher power than the self-loathing ego, the real script writer of the inner critic.

David Richo: Adapted from Wholeness and Holiness: How to Be Sane, Spiritual, and Saintly (Orbis, 2020)